Life Cycle


My lovelife is a tragic. A total tragic. I've been fooled several times by different men. Ive been used. Ive been left. Ive been deceived.

Im still wishing for my someone to arrived. And i know that i just need a little patience. But it annoys me. Im afraid that ..

That no one will arrived. That no one is really meant for me. Im afraid to die without my someone. Without the man of my dreams. Someone that will take care of me, someone who will make me feel special. Who will be there to love me.

To guide me.
To understand and accept me.


Tons of friends out there. They are playing their role well. They seem to listen and act that they care. They pretend to understand what's really on my mind. They're my friends. We laugh together, share stories, make fun of one another and treat each other as brothers and sisters. But, our friendship has a limitation. I found out that some of them has a reason why they want to stay in my company, as my friends. They need something. They need me. And what they dont know is. I also need them. It's bias. I know, but i act this way to everybody. To everyone around me. I want everybody to be happy. I love seeing them happy. Contented. I dont want them to be sad. To be as outrageous as my inside thought. I dont want them to find out who i really am. Cos i dont want to dissapoint them. I act positive. I give all the positive vibe's. I give positive advice. And i want them to see me as Positve in every way.


My career path is bullshiet. Ive been doing everything. The best that i can be. I want to learn, explore and understand. I want them to notice my contribution. My existence. My personality. My creativity.
But it never happen. They only notice my mistakes. My unwanted mistakes. Unexpected errors. and my negative thoughts. The treat me as a usual employee who doesnt have any future. Who will not grow. Who will commit mistake if ever given a chance to grow. to be promoted.
They never gave me a chance to change, to prove that i can. To be the very best that i could. To be the one who can make things easier in my own practical way. They turn me down. Without any hesitations. Without further explanations. Without any motivation.


I dont have any problem with my parents. They teach me to be strong. To be postive. To be the very best. To move on. And Aim for the gold. They want me to be the greatest. They set standards.They support me forr whatever plans or decision i have. They trained me to be me. A Strong and Positive me.

My brother's and sister's are the best for me too. They support me. And we try to help each other in our own way. My sister, who was born two years after me is also supportive. But she's quiet. She never let us know that she's in pain.
Two of my brothers who is also in high school, with two years gap from each other is also one of my pals. They are very helpful. And they want to make changes too. They're trying their best as well to aim for their goal. And im proud bcause of their "tiyaga". Same with my youngest sister. She's competitive. Very young and pretty. But she doesnt have any confidence. She thinks that everyone consider her as "UGLY"

To begin with

Im living my life with regret. 22 years. And guess what, till now, im not learning any lesson.
I consider myself as a loser and sometimes, "SUICIDE" is my last resort.

To give you a heads up, im a 22 years old abandoned mother of two. Takenote, just 22 years old, undergraduate and used to be a personal service provider. I know some of you thinks that, im a loser. And i admit that.

I strive hard to be the best among the rest. I want to be noticed. To be loved. To be rspected. To be accepted.

Is it hard? Is there something wrong with me physically? Am i a faggot? I guess im not. But why is it that nobody ever appreciate me as me. Why is it that everyone hate, fool, and underestimate me? I did everything. The best that i can be. I can be a very good friend, girlfriend etc. Am i invisible?

You dont need to continue reading if you're bored. I cant blame you for that. Well, i didnt ask you to read this blog of mine though. I just want to express my feelings. The reality behind the mask of a lovely and smiling face lady.

If you're interested, then go on. And i would like to say thank you for being part of my blog share.

I'll be posting my life here. The dark side of my life. I dont want to fool myself na. Its hard. Ive been fooling myself and ive been hiding for 22 years. So i guess its time for me to be real.

But still, i wont reveal my identity. Its better to be safe. At least. Well, i still dont want my friends to know the reality about me. I dont want to destroy my bubbly, strong image or personality to them. I want it to remain the same.


I spend almost two months to finalize everything. Now that i made up my mind. Let me share you something i know. Maybe, something we have in common. You may hate me for my opinions but subsequently admire me afterwards.

Foremost, let me share you my story. The dark side of me.

People around me thought that im lucky. I have self confidence. Stiff. Strong. Happy. Jolly.
But what they dont know is the face behind those Adjectives mention above. The reality about my feelings. My thoughts. My life.

This is a chapter by chapter illustration about my life and capacity.

My fight.

The sadness. Hatred and illusions.

My life. The darker side.